who says you can't write when you're happy? not me! i can only do it when i'm happy. as you can tell i haven't been updating much as of late. my reason is that i have been extremely depressed. when i'm depressed i bottle up things and i don't like to talk about. well, atleast not until i can pull myself out of my "funk."

 

i took a hard blow when el presidente was re-elected. then my aunt calls me to tell me that she's been in the hospital for a week and a half and couldn't call me because she didn't have her address book with her. and she has to be taken to the hospital for surgery on her kidneys and would like for me to do it because i'm the only one she has. then i find out that my grandma in fl had a stroke, i'm sorry a "mini" stroke. it's still a fucking stroke! big or mini, don't you think that i should deserve a phone call? come on! they always do this to me. no one called me when my dad had a heart attack, no one calls me for anything. i'm always the last to find out. and i always find out after the fact. i don't even get to send flowers or call them until after. yeah i know i cry and get emotional about these things. but dammit! there are only a select few members of my family that i like and when somethings happens to them i'd like to know!

 

speaking of family members that i don't like..... my grandfather walt. he is my real grandfather. i had a step-grandpa that i loved and thought of as my real grandpa (he died two weeks before my 18th. birthday) but my real grandfather i hate! this is the man who didn't want anything to do with my dad when he was a child. whenever he and my dad would talk they'd get into an argument. i don't think he even knew my name until i was 16. but yeah. he came up here about a month ago (again no one tells me until after the fact). he and my step-grandmonster ann, or as i've always called her ann nana bananna (she's a big fruit) they took my aunt out to dinner and the whole dinner they were talking about how my dad was so great and how i was the best little grand daughter and my boyfriend was so handsome.... like they knew me! like they knew my dad! all his life he was the no good son and now that he's dead he was a fucking genius and could walk on water. he couldn't show him an ounce of affection when he was alive but now that he's dead.... but whatever i don't care about him! he isn't worthy of licking the shit off my ass. it just pisses me off.

 

so yeah i've me depressed lately. i've also been having a lot of nightmares. lastnight i swear i jumped a foot out of bed. i woke booty up too. i inturned scared the crap out of him, he was holding me at the time. i keep having zombie dreams. normally that would be cool and it would be comical but for some reason it scares me. nightmares have never really bothered me in the past. and last night was the first night i've ever had a nightmare when i was sleeping with booty. the other night i was home and had one. i woke up and jumped out of bed then the shadows in my room looked like a man in the corner so i ended up grabbing my flashlight that i keep next to my bed and instead of turning it on i throw it at the head of the man shadow. now it all seems funny. when i turned on the light i found there was no zombie in my room and i had a broken flashlight. normally i've been able to shrug off my dreams as that, a dream. but lately... i don't know what's wrong.

 

maybe it's the holiday season..... now that's scary!